The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
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[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
no refunds
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho