*aggressively skips to my Lou*
You Might Also Like
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Me, in DM rooms…
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”