Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
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Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”