Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
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Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
When you kidnap a writer.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.