What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
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Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
what’s more important?
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years