11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
You Might Also Like
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Don’t talk down to me
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE