Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
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*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.