support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
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People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
The absolute effort that went into this omg
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world