Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
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My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
The Birdles
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
#inspiration #foodforthought
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him