*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
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Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
PARKOUR
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating