I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
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I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this