being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
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I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”