People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
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I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Growing out my freckles.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold