Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
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GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness