Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
You Might Also Like
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo