The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
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Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
This is the coolest video you will see today.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
sigh
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Customize Your Wedding.