You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
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Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Hot Panini is in big trouble
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Love is always patient and kind.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies