Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
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[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
yes… yes…
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
A great tip. #CakeRex
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.