My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
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Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
adding to the discourse
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will