We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
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Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.