My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
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I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”