*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
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If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down