I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
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We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*