Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
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I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
My favorite type of men is ramen.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*