Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
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I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Barbie gone wild
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
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I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.