The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
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GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
what does he know…
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Pass gas, not judgment.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize