(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
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Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.