*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
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99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<