Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
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The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
i think we should see other cousins
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better