me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
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My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.