Ah..makes sense now
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Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Awesome parenting 😂
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.