“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
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My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Möther may I have a snäck
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say