People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
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Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”