Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
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Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit