Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
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I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Running from your problems is cardio .
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.