In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
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You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask