im all 3
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I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
I did not eat the cake…
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Wait a second…
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.