long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
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[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.