You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
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If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
This squirrel eats better than I do
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.