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⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
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Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.