My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
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Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…