Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
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I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.