While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
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I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Good morning
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Beauty and the Beast
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?