A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
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I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
another case of gang violins
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.