My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
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my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
when you don’t want to be too vague
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Bros before Ohioes
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.