Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
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So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
this will hang in the louvre one day
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof