People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
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Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.