The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.