So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
You Might Also Like
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.