if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
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He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.